Federalist Society Festivus: Shapiro versus the Rest of Us

I aired grievances and engaged in feats of jurisprudential strength. Nobody pinned me, but there was an aluminum pole.

The Federalist Society invited me to host their third annual Festivus spectacular. It was a hoot! You can watch the video, but here’s the exclusive transcript of my prepared remarks (there were some ad libs, of course, not to mention the awesome Q&A). —IS

Welcome to Fed Soc Festivus—a Festivus for the rest of us. All of us who aren’t at the head table at the National Lawyers Convention, all of us whom Leonard Leo doesn’t shower with dark money, all of us with whom Justice Kavanaugh doesn’t drink beer. And I tell ya, this will be the best Fed Soc Festivus ever!

Better than Richard Epstein’s bizarre Roman Law rant… I mean, just because the name of the holiday ends in “us” doesn’t mean it has anything to do with Latin. Though I have to give it to Richard for staying on-brand: I still recall the description of his Roman Law class in the U. Chicago Law School course catalog, which specified that knowledge of Latin wasn’t required—but helpful… I bow down to my old professor’s depth of legal knowledge and worldly erudition, but he really didn’t understand this assignment!

And then of course there was Josh Blackman’s recitation of Supreme Court history: what a walk down amnesia lane! And what’s with all his over-the-shoulder graphics? Did he think he was running some sort of poor man’s Weekend Update? I mean, I’m as big a fan of Dennis Miller as the next Gen-Xer, but you won’t see any of that fancy high-tech mumbo-jumbo here. After all, PowerPoint is unconstitutional—at least as applied in 90% of cases. And don’t get me started on Josh’s hair… I know he’s still sore about not getting cast in Weird Al’s biopic, but c’mon, for Festivus, you need more Jerry Seinfeld and less Jheri Curl.

See, what you want is this good ol’ aluminum pole, with no frills and no fuss. And of course an ugly Festivus sweater—this one representing the Washington Capitals, who flamed out of the playoffs in the first round yet again. As did, by the way, my other team, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Now, some people—most notably my nominal doppelganger Ilya Somin (he’s the smart one, I’m the funny one)… People like the other Ilya say that you’re only supposed to cheer for one team, that’s it’s inexcusable sports bigamy to do otherwise. To him I say, stick to your fantasy world of science fiction. You may be a tenured professor at George Mason, but I’m professor emeritus at Georgetown. You may appear in the Washington Post opinion pages, but I’ve been on the front page of the sports section—with my Caps-Leafs Frankenjersey. True story!

Anyway, it’s time for all of you to stand back and stand by, to buckle up and buckle in. And may I suggest pouring yourself an adult beverage, because the more you drink the wittier I am… and the easier my grievances will go down. Because I’ve got a lot of problems with you people and you’re gonna hear about it!